Disconnected & Clouded

It has been months since I wrote a blog post. At the beginning of the year, all the way up till June I was super motivated. I had a lot of positive energy and a lot of steam. I'm not sure at what point I started to lose my enthusiasm. It's like my mind started to get really cloudy. My attention to anything was really short, I stop wanted to do anything all together. I wasn't even getting dressed for work like I use to. I was barley getting out of bed, and stopped even putting on makeup. There are a few things that I know contributed to this depression happening and kind of sticking.

Let's start with the high I was on for a while. I was in a good place at work, my friends . I even started a situationship. Everything was and had been going great. I was finally moving out of my mom's, from staying there for a year. I had accomplished a huge goal of mine. Everything that I wanted was finally happening. All my plans were moving forward and becoming my reality. Airika Nicole was in a great place. Ya know?! THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I WAS HIT IN THE FACE WITH FEELIGNS!!!  I got into a situationship. It wasn't a bad situationship either. It was light and fun and what I was looking for. Then after a few months past, I started to get a little bit of feelings. It's a sickness if you don't know. I'm kidding I'm kidding, but when you catch feelings, it's like your whole mind shifts and your emotions are in control of your mind. I started to wonder where this was going. Trying to understand the situationship now. That was about June. The reason I am sharing all of this is because I feel that sometimes we don't want to attribute new people in our lives actually contributing to your mood whether you want them to or not. Also we are in age where people want to act all tough and that situationships don't bother people etc. etc. I was huge on " Be upfront and honest", as well as wanting it to be really light and for companionship. Regardless of what I initially wanted, the "feelings" were caught. Looking back at it now, I know that's when this fog stated to settle in. Once I caught "the feelings" I went into protection mode. My protection mode triggers a lot of my anxiety which is almost always partnered with depression. So after a while this really dug into my energy. Most of us who've been in relationships you a have protection mode of yourself. After being single for a while and not really being emotionally tied to someone, I didn't really remember what my protection mode felt like anymore.  

Alongside situationships, feelings, anxiety, depression, money was becoming a bit tighter. I'm great at budgeting and do it every month. Just to make sure everything is going as it should, but I started to spend a few extra dollars here and there. Then started to have to chill out a lot more. That started to make me feel like I needed to figure out my next move. It was like I was getting down on myself about not having enough money to do everything I wanted to do without worrying about it. That was a very disabling feeling. Feelings like I'm stuck and don't know what to do. Money does rule my world and when I don't have enough of it, it become a huge part of my mood. I was overthinking every little thing which was causing way more panic attacks. Even some negativity started sneaking in. Then it started to become a tidal wave of negative emotions.

We not done yet though! It ain't just money, situationships, anxiety, depression, it was also family drama. My family drama was very hard to digest and understand. I love my family and I would do anything for them but I started to feel really disconnected from them because of the things that were happening. Trying to understand motives and the things being said to one another. It was a lot. It was all emotionally taxing and draining. In all honestly, I have had family drama in my life for the past 10 years so it's kind of a normal thing for me at this point.

So all in all, no I wasn't out here recording youtube videos anymore, nor posting on instagram as often as I use to. I wasn't feeling like myself anymore. I was feeling extremely disconnected from the person I know I am.  My birthday was this summer and I was not in the best spritis about it. I felt much better about me turning 27 once the day actually came but the day after I was right back to the same feeling I felt before. Day in and out I was consistently stuck in my head, going over things a million times. If you suffer from anxiety, you probably know what im taking about. The one thing you said to someone and you're not sure if you said it the right way, or if there was a better way or should you have even said it at all and just keep repeating that over and over and over and over. It's exhausting.

I hadn't felt like this in a really long time. So I wasn't really sure what to do about it other than recognize it and push myself to at least keep getting up for work everyday. This feeling of being disconnected was coming from a place that I had not been in a very long time. I had never felt this disconnected since my first year off to college. When I say disconnected, I do not in any way mean lonely. Disconnected to me means that I am running on autopilot. My body is doing all the work and my brain is in a totally different place entirely. I'd spend the day on the couch, watching anime and that's it. Wasn't cooking for myself. Wasn't really talking to anyone. Stopped wearing makeup. It just felt like I am too tired for this. It almost felt like " what's the point" but I wasn't fully there, thankfully.

It is now November 1st and I am finally getting a hold of this. So for 5 months I have been trying to figure this out. For 5 months I have been trying to work my way back to getting ME back. It's crazy how one day you can be fine and the next you just aren't. Not only that, but nobody can really see it either. It's not a physical transformation. It's a very real mental change that is extremely hard to pin point let alone work on fixing by yourself. Somewhere your mind just becomes a little bit more negative than usual. Somewhere along the line, you wake up more tired than you went to sleep. You can't seem to shake the sleep from your eyes. You're at work and then you're home and that's it. You're physically moving but not processing anything. Nothing is moving forward. You're stuck.

Me writing this right now helps me realize that I'm moving forward. I'm getting back to the things I know make me who I am and give me purpose. I am forcing myself not only physically but mentally and emotionally. For anyone reading this, it may seem that I am sharing a lot. I really don't see it that way. I find that people don't share enough because of this rule "it aint non of your business".  Well it's not but that can also hinder someone understanding that these feelings happen and that you're not alone. I know I am not alone in these feelings. I know that someone will read this and know exactly what I'm talking about. That's why I share, and maybe overshare(to some). I know that I am not alone even if nobody says they don't understand. I know somebody does, and I take comfort in that.

So to the disconnected and clouded, You're not alone! You can get back your spunk! You can get back to your place of joy! You can reclaim it! Just start!

Keep Moving Forward

-Airika Nicole